


in the blackout

by lakesinstillness



Category: JYJ (Band), Musical actor rpf
Genre: Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakesinstillness/pseuds/lakesinstillness
Summary: Junsu and Euntae share a moment.
Relationships: Kim Junsu (JYJ)/Park Eun Tae
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	in the blackout

**Author's Note:**

  * For [direngrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/direngrey/gifts).



> Okay soooo I wrote this 1.5 years ago and never posted because I think I worried it was cringe? I don't know lol I've never really written romance but here.
> 
> Gifted to bestie for rediscovering this fic and becoming an Euntae stan <3

The overture roared through Junsu’s ears as he watched the ensemble get ready for their first number. During this point of his musicals, he usually thinks about how the show is going to go: if there’s any scene he doesn’t feel as confident in, if there are any ad-libs he wants to add, how the audience will react to his performances, how he’ll interact with his cast mates, if his makeup looks okay, if his mic is secure, the list goes on. He’s grown so accustomed to thinking this way during the overtures of his musicals that he still feels that level of anticipation when he attends musicals as a member of the audience; he always wonders if everyone’s ready backstage, and if anyone is thinking similar thoughts to his own.

When he’s acting in a musical, he also wonders if his cast mates have similar thoughts. They always seem so confident, as if they have nothing to prove. He considers himself confident, but he still finds himself overthinking things. Everyone calls him the “Box Office King,” and while he knows he must be doing something right if he continues to be called that title, he worries about the weight it carries. If most of the audience is truly here to see him, he doesn’t want to disappoint them. He doesn’t want to make them regret their decision to come see him. After acting in _Dorian Gray_ the first time, he started comparing himself to Sibyl Vane. She performed so well, and could take on any role, up until she fell in love with Dorian Gray, and felt like none of that mattered anymore. He feared the same thing would happen to him, that he would be so overwhelmed by the love his fans had for him that he would be unable to continue being the performer they fell in love with.

But this time, the overture was different. He still had all those thoughts, but with more added on. He still compared himself to Sibyl, but for another reason entirely. Junsu was in love with someone, but it wasn’t the audience; it was his co-star, Park Euntae.

For this musical, Junsu and Euntae were reviving their roles as Dorian Gray and Henry Wotton. It was the first time they were acting together and dating at the same time. Of course, the public didn’t know about it. And that’s what scared Junsu more; they _couldn’t_ know about it. He knew it would be a big scandal if the world knew that he was dating, and dating a man in particular. Junsu thought they hid it well, but still worried. Although Euntae seemed fine with not telling anyone, what if he secretly resented Junsu’s position as an idol? Of course, Euntae being in an open relationship with any man could hurt his reputation, but there wouldn’t be as much of a risk involved with telling close friends or family members about their relationship, since Euntae doesn’t have to deal with paparazzi or sasaengs. However, Junsu and Euntae felt like they couldn’t tell anyone about their relationship, or show any affection for each other offstage. Junsu even worried that their interactions onstage might give anything away. This was the second week of the show; they managed to get through the first few nights without giving it away, but they still had well over a month before closing night.

The one thing that eased his worries was the fact that he was kissing another man onstage: Choi Jaewoong, who was reprising his role as Basil Hallward. He hoped that, since he was kissing a man who he wasn’t dating, that would draw attention away from any chemistry he had with Euntae. However, this thought also frustrated Junsu. The audience, the critics, his fans, anyone aware of what happened in _Dorian Gray_ didn’t mind the fact that Junsu was kissing a man; in fact, they seemed to like it. His fans would post about it on social media, and enjoyed his Instagram posts about him brushing his teeth before it. However, when he was truly in love with another man, he had to hide it. He had to fear any show of affection he has with Euntae offstage, because as soon as it wasn’t part of the show or “fanservice” it was suddenly taboo.

Junsu knew some fans would support him, of course, but it was also for their sake that he hid his relationship. His fans have been through a lot, from him leaving SM Entertainment and his former group, to him being blacklisted from broadcasts, to him losing his second group due to his ex-bandmate’s scandal. He didn’t want those who have been through all of that to suffer even more, and if his relationship was exposed, that’s exactly what would happen. He doubted C-JeS Entertainment would terminate his contract like they did with Park Yoochun, but he still worried about the damage being in an open relationship with a man would do to his reputation, and how that would hurt his fans who have been with him all this time. So, he felt like he had to do whatever he can to hide this relationship.

The sound of Euntae’s voice made Junsu jump. For a moment, he felt comforted by his boyfriend’s voice, but he quickly realized that Euntae wasn’t there comforting him, but was on stage performing. It was long past the overture now; Junsu was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even hear the first two songs. After this number, he had to go onstage, so he was glad Euntae’s voice got him out of those thoughts. However, he grew even more nervous, since it wasn’t like him to get distracted like that. He didn’t have as much time to prepare himself to get onstage as he usually did, but he still looked in a mirror to check his makeup and talked to a few crew members to calm his nerves.

Just before Euntae’s number ended, he got into his position onstage, which was hidden from the audience’s view until the set changed. When _Nocturne op.9 No.2_ began, he started dancing, just as he did every night. He was much less nervous now; the music was calming, he was onstage with the man he loves, and he was doing the thing he’s passionate about: performing. Once he was in the character of Dorian, it felt so much easier to relax, and focus on making the audience just as in love with Dorian as Basil, just as intrigued by Dorian as Henry. His concerns about the life of Junsu blended into the life of Dorian. He channeled all of those feelings he had before going onstage into his performance, and allowed them to drift off with the soft piano music he was dancing to. The sound of Henry’s voice made him hesitate, but only for a short moment, so short that he was sure no one noticed.

Once he finished dancing and began speaking with Euntae and Jaewoong--or rather, Henry and Basil--he had gotten so focused on his performance that he didn’t even think about those worries at all. It was as if he had forgotten that the man he was speaking to was his boyfriend; he was so focused on acting that he easily gave off the impression that it was his first time being introduced to this man. He felt so innocent, just as Dorian was before Henry corrupted him. He wasn’t even thinking about his life offstage, or about how the audience might feel about his performance. He wasn’t exactly calm, but he certainly wasn’t nervous either; he just was.

Euntae started singing his next number, and Junsu felt like Dorian, being seduced by the man’s soft voice. When he wasn’t performing Junsu always worried about this part. Euntae’s voice is so beautiful, especially in this song, which he is singing to Dorian, to _him_. He worried that he’d want to kiss him right there in the middle of this song. But when he was actually in the moment, hearing Euntae sing as Henry, he didn’t even think about such a thing. He wasn’t afraid of the audience, instead, he felt so impressed and intimidated by Euntae. It always felt like it was his first time hearing this song, just as it was Dorian’s first time hearing those hedonistic words. He wouldn’t dare interrupt Euntae’s singing by touching Euntae’s lips with his; he wanted to hear the song until the end.

When Euntae finished singing, Junsu repeated his words, just as always. After hearing the other singer’s beautiful voice, he almost sought approval from the costar and from the audience, just as Dorian sought the approval of Henry. Comparisons like that made it easy for Junsu to get into the character of Dorian, to play that innocent man who gets seduced into trading his soul for beauty. If he could relate to Dorian, then he can play him. That’s how Junsu managed to play every character in every musical he had done so far, and that’s how he was able to not get so focused on his personal issues onstage while still releasing any inner tension that he has.

Neither Junsu nor Euntae had a role in the next scene, so both of them began walking backstage. As the set changed, the lights went dark, so dark that the audience couldn’t see anything happening onstage. But before the two of them get offstage, Junsu felt a hand take hold of his. As the hand’s owner pulled him closer, he realized it was Euntae; he had performed with him for so long that he could recognize that smell of his cologne mixed with his sweat. Before he could even register what was happening, Euntae kissed him right there, in the blackout. Before the lights got a chance to expose them, Euntae pulled the idol actor backstage, and the two heard the next number begin as they headed to their dressing rooms.

As he changed, Junsu felt relieved. The break between the numbers was so short, and the blackout only lasted a moment. And yet that kiss seemed to last so long. In that short moment, all of Junsu’s worries melted away into the feeling of Euntae’s lips against his. Euntae kissed him in front of that entire audience, yet none of them saw. It was public, yet private, which felt oddly comforting to Junsu.

Junsu left his dressing room, and saw Euntae standing in the hallway. In that moment, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes, he realized how grateful he was for him. Being unable to tell anyone about their relationship made Junsu feel like he was alone, but he realized he wasn’t alone. The world didn’t have to know who he loved, because the person who mattered to him the most did. He wanted to thank Euntae for the kiss, to tell him how much it meant to him that he found a way for them to show their relationship to the world without facing any consequences. However, he knew that, at least until the show was over, those feelings of gratitude would have to remain unspoken. So for now, he prepared for his next number, but he was happy that he didn’t have to prepare alone this time.


End file.
